Episode 80: the loyal skeptic

Tuesday, June 23

Episode 80: The Loyal Skeptic

Tuesday, June 23

Laura: Welcome to Shelter in Place, a podcast about finding daily sanity in a world that feels increasingly insane. Coming to you from Oakland, California, I’m Laura Joyce Davis.

Shea: It felt so out of the blue for me, I really didn't think that I would be getting a cancer diagnosis. I thought there would be some other explanation for this lump or, you know, I just thought there would be something different, but to get that diagnosis in that moment, everything just stops. It was such a shock.

I remember the moment clearly I was walking, actually, I didn't live in the neighborhood I live in now, but I was walking in this neighborhood. Must've been going to a restaurant or something by myself on a weekday. And I got a call from my OB saying, you know, we got the test results and we'd like for you to come in to discuss them.

And I knew that it was bad, but I didn't ask any more details. So I called Eric, we came in that day, before school got out, and got those results from that doctor. And she was so kind and, we were so emotional and just completely shocked. I couldn't believe it. So, from that moment on everything just stopped.

You know, things on the calendar--we just didn't do them. I don't know if I even told people that I was canceling things. Every focus was on how to deal with this logistically and how to handle it with our kids emotionally. 

Laura: That was my friend Shea, who lives here in Oakland. She’s originally from the South, but she and her family moved here eleven years ago, which is when I met them. 

When I began working on this series of episodes looking at this time through the lens of the Enneagram, Shea was the first person I thought of.  You know those people who have gotten sucker punched by life again and again, and yet they’re somehow still so caring and compassionate? The people who you think of when you think of real courage? That’s Shea.

I’ve learned so much from her over the years. She’s on a shortlist of moms I know that I privately refer to as “the supermoms,” the women I go to for advice. She’s something of a baby whisperer, and all three of my children have spent many hours in Shea’s arms. When our three-year-old was a baby, Shea used to knock on my door, often unannounced, and take her for a walk in the stroller just to give me a break. She’s the friend who I can go for months without seeing, and then she’ll call me up out of the blue and check in on me to see how our son is doing in school. I can be honest with her when things aren’t going well. I never feel like I have to put on a good face. She’s a great listener. She’s a good friend.

But when I asked her to do this episode, she wasn’t crazy about the idea. She’s not someone who seeks the spotlight. She’s a strong woman, but she’s not pushy about sharing her ideas. Which is something I’ve come to appreciate from all of my friends who share her Enneagram type. I told her to think it over, and let me know. I’m really grateful that she ultimately said yes. Here’s Shea.

Shea: I'm an Enneagram six with a seven wing. One thing that I've learned about my Enneagram type is the description of it is “loyal skeptic.”

It helps me to remember that it's part of who I am, how I am, because I'm always skeptical. It's hard for me to decide on what word I would use to describe myself, but maybe skeptical would be that word and compassion. 

I live with my husband, my 12 and 15 year old sons and my 17 year old daughter. The 18 year old daughter lives in a little studio apartment, a few blocks away. 

I've been sheltering in place since March 13th. Before that day, , I would usually wake up at around six,  wake the kids up, get out the door by 7:45, usually with two of them to drop off at their schools. All my kids go to different schools. I'd spend the day teaching kindergarten at the neighborhood elementary school where my kids all attended, which has felt like a second home for the past 11 years. I loved my job; it's a dream job for me,  but I always felt behind every minute of the day I was multitasking. I would try to leave school by 3:30 and my husband and I almost always would be negotiating about which adult would pick up the kids or take them to activities.

We would try to figure out dinner. Try to have a meaningful connection with each kid. And I would try to be in bed by 10. I was always tired. Didn't get to exercise much and I didn't feel great. 

Laura: When her youngest son was in kindergarten, Shea was diagnosed with cancer. That was the clip you heard at the beginning, about when she first got that news. She went through all of the treatment--chemo and radiation, surgery

I remember her coming to church with a scarf around her head after she lost her hair. I remember feeling scared to hug her in case someone in my family had a cold or some other virus that wasn’t a big deal for us, but could be deadly for her during that fragile time. It was a hard time on so many levels. But she pulled through. Her hair started to grow again, the color returned to her face. She looked great. Our whole community celebrated her return to health.

Shea: And then in 2015 I had some pain we didn't know at the time what it was, but it was due to scar tissue. My oncologist decided to do an extra scan. It was an oncologist that I had known for a couple of years; I think she was happy to have another reason to do a chest scan, because the type of cancer I had was pretty aggressive. 

I'm normally pretty pessimistic about things like that, but I didn't think it would happen because I didn't feel sick. I didn't have any symptoms. So when she had scanned, we weren't necessarily thinking they were going to be tumors in my lungs. But that's what they found then eventually did a biopsy and then found that it was in fact still the breast cancer and that's a terrible diagnosis. To get a diagnosis of stage four or metastatic cancer.  And that's a whole different ball game. 

Eric and I were both in the room. I immediately started thinking about, well, this is the end and we cried. We wailed, it must have been bad to listen to.

She again was amazing. Another doctor. Amazing. She talked about how in life everyone dies And probably cancer will be what kills me.  She's like, you know, you could die in a car wreck tomorrow. You could die walking down the street. There are many ways you could die, but probably it'll be cancer that kills you.

The statistics are not good for this type of cancer. And again, everything stopped. I had been working. I had been doing so many things. I've been looking at maybe going back to school, actually to become a nurse that was short lived.

But I was thinking about it. I was thinking about my future is the point. And then everything just came to a halt. And during that time, people pass you by and things seem sort of slow and, I found myself, just watching my family, watching my kids. I did a lot of imagining what it would be like without me there.

Laura: Enneagram sixes are more aware of how uncertain life is than most of us. In any given situation, they’ve probably thought through the worst case scenario. And this can make them great problem-solvers, because they see things coming. 

But that doesn’t mean that they’re never taken by surprise. What they long for in life is safety and security. When those things are taken away, it taps into their worst fear, of being without guidance or support. 

When Shea got that second cancer diagnosis, that fragile foundation she’d built for life crumbled. She and her family made a bucket list of the things they wanted to do with her before she died. No one knew how long that time would last.

Shea: I was able to get on this clinical trial, it only worked for about 4% of people during those two years. even though the trial itself was unsuccessful, it was successful for me. I was one of the 4%, and four and a half years later, it's still working. I still am receiving infusions every three weeks and it's kept me alive. I am surprised daily that I get to still be here.  having cancer has changed the way I view almost everything. 

Laura: Shea says that this time of sheltering in place has made her think a lot about the times when she was diagnosed with cancer. 

Sometimes the vibe is pretty depressed at our house and everyone wishes they had more alone time since the house is really small. My kids  miss their friends and all the sports, concerts and events that have been wiped off the calendar. So much disappointment.  

I feel afraid that I won't see my dad again; my dad lives in a memory care facility in Utah where he and his wife live. And he hasn't left his room this whole time. He is so sad, which makes me feel sad and helpless.

I've been taking so many long walks, which are life-saving. Also, my kids are getting along with each other better than they have in years. This is a huge gift before my daughter takes off for college next year. 

Now we  all step outside onto the sidewalks and chat.  I'm able to watch the one-year-olds on our street, grow up day by day, as well as get to know the older neighbors.  I hope I'll be here in the future, but I never know when the cancer will come back. Kate Bowler taught me to appreciate the word “precarious.” life is precarious for me and learning to live with that. uncertainty is something I've been working on for a long time.  I feel cautious, but I always have. 

Laura: At their best, 6s are internally stable and self-reliant, courageously champions of themself and others. As they grow and learn to accept that life is uncertain and even precarious, they can become more relaxed and even optimistic. They can become great leaders, because they are truly courageous.

And I see this in Shea. She doesn’t know what life will bring, or even how long it will last. But then none of us knows that. Being able to see each day as a gift is maybe the best kind of daily sanity we can find. 

I still sometimes have moments where everything slows down and I'm just an observer in a way that I never was before cancer, or even before the more recent cancer diagnosis those times come back to me sometimes. And sheltering in place, especially in the beginning, reminded me a little bit of that time because all of a sudden on March 13th, everyone just stopped doing everything. Appointments were canceled. Play dates for canceled dinners, get togethers, everything was canceled. it didn't have the same feeling of deaths surrounding it for me, because I didn't have anybody near me , who was sick. But it was a similar time where everything just slowed way down.

And I generally really struggle with being at home and slowing down. I'm always looking for the next thing to do. Partly because  I have four kids. They're busy. I have a full time job. My husband has a full time job, so we're always busy, always trying to get together with people, which I love.

I'm an extravert. I love doing these things, but I found myself running ragged, always, always getting behind, feeling like I was rushing and trying to keep up and then kind of crabby with my family and tired, not sleeping well. 

When we're forced to stop, we're forced to have an inventory, we're forced to be still with ourselves. That part of this has been very restorative for me. I really, feel bad for my kids who are missing their friends and one, who's going to miss beginning her senior year, who knows if they'll even go back next year. It changes a lot of their world. and as I'm thinking more and more about what it would look like to teach remotely next year, kindergarten, how in the world will we do that?

It does feel like a challenge that we might have to face, and I also have the health issues. Like I'm on immunotherapy. I'm not necessarily immuno-compromised. They don't know how someone like me would respond. Got COVID, there's no studies about that. So, it feels risky to my oncologist and me to think about being exposed to 24 kids per week and all their families and all the people they've been exposed to at the same time, I need a job and I don't want to, leave my colleagues without.

Uh, teacher. So, there's a lot to consider and it feels a little stress inducing, but all in all , the time I've been able to spend reflecting, On just life taking time to drink my coffee, to read the Bible, to read books, to learn from other people. to imagine what a day is, that I want to spend with myself and my family and my home.

It's kind of a gift right now. So, I'm trying to figure out what that looks like for the long haul.  Mostly I'm thankful when I sit in my backyard and I am able to like, I am right now, just look at the trees. The birds. It sounds so cheesy, but  I just really am in wonder that I get to be here and really thankful  and sometimes I forget, but then there are moments when I remember again that this is such a gift.